|
Home
|
|
What it feels like for a girl |
|
|
|
|
Written by Christine M. Biereth
|
Do you know what it feels like for a girl?!
[A Journal Entry from Christine M. Biereth]
I'm 28 years old, I'm Single and I live in New York City. I've been living in New York for almost seven years now - and I love it. I thrive on the dysfunction of the city 'cause it in many ways reflects my own. It"s given me a sense of belonging I've never felt before. New York is not just a city to me, it's a way of life. I can't quite explain it, but after years of traveling, searching and yet never really fitting in, I have stopped in the revolving door and feel at home for the first time.
The sensation of walking, working and living amongst people who feel almost exactly the same as me is such a comforting feeling that it makes paying $1000 a month for a hole in the wall worth it. Getting all excited by the fact that I've yet to find a mouse in my apartment this year, and having to roll my bike into my bedroom/living room/closet/office space every time I have to go to the bathroom, paying $3.89 + tax for a good cup of coffee and then not being able to have a freaking cigarette with my $11 glass of red wine (from a $5 bottle) after working two jobs for a twelve hour day seems like a small and worthy price to pay to be part of something as beautiful and enjoyably painful as surviving here.
Growing up in Denmark (the country in Scandinavia... no, it's not "the capital of Amsterdam!"), my perception of the city before I moved here was, completely colored and formed by: "NYPD Blue", "Ghostbusters", "Taxi driver", "Summer of Sam" & "Goodfellas". It was further romanticized by; "When Harry met Sally, "Annie Hall", "Moonstruck", Billy Joel and Frank Sinatra". I thought of it as fascinating, scary, wonderful and bizarre, all at once. And now, after having lived here for some time, I see that it is! I'm just living it! I'm double dipping: I've got a Seinfeldian attitude and a Sex in the City lifestyle, Anything can happen at any time, but whatever the event, you have the right to blow it up to whatever shape or form you want it to be in...and that's okay.
As I mentioned earlier; I'm single. I'm very single. I am on the other hand also very confused. I've never understood the whole "dating scenario" in New York. I've personally always either had a boyfriend or not. All of a sudden I live in a place where you can actually "date" multiple people. Basically you can see, kiss and sleep with all the people you want, until you have a ring on your finger".
That stupid ring-thing, what's that all about? Secretly I think that it's the root of all evil. Most girls want a ring so badly that they look past the asshole they want it from just so they can say they got it (while the asshole is usually only being such 'cause he doesn't want to go there).I do not need a ring. I do not want a ring. The only thing I want is for you to fucking call me back and think I'm kind of cute when I'm being a bitch. Which, by the way, I only am when you're not calling me fucking back.
Off track, off track. Back to "dating".
There are so many rules when it comes to dating. Rules that, to me seem so silly, almost as if they were written on the command of a bunch of 12 year-olds;
"Don't call until the third day" - you don't want to seem too desperate.
"When he finally calls, don't pick up the first time" - you don't want to show you care too much.
"When you talk for the first time, don't sound too eager or too available" - He'll get spooked if he thinks you care too much.
"Don't meet for dinner the first time, only meet for drinks" - We don't want to have any serious vibes.
"Don't be too dressed up" - You don't want him to think you care.
"Don't be too dressed down" - You don't want him to think you don't care at all.
"Just be your self, but don't reveal to much" - in fact, don't reveal anything at all!
" I'm Bi- sexual" - Don't worry, it's just another way of letting you know he's not gonna commit, but that he'll still totally respect you in the morning if you decide to have sex with him on the first date. After all, if you won't, somebody else will, and he ain't picky.
In every single aspect of your life as a New Yorker, you have an opinion. Opinions about everything. And, more importantly, you voice these opinions at any given moment. Except of course, when you're dating. When you're on an actual date. When you're "shopping" for one of the most crucial, essential accessories which has the potential of becoming an agonizing permanent heartbreak, or just a chronic headache, you're expected to smile and look cute as if you were on a job interview: "just get hired and then you'll deal with the fact that you can't type".
Another thing I find interesting is that you can be dating for years and still, with a clear conscience, say, " no she's not my girlfriend, we're just dating." I find that New Yorkers are so afraid of committing.
It's almost a local epidemic.
"Let's met at 7-ish..."
"I'll give you a call sometime this week..."
"Let's met for brunch Saturday or Sunday..."
"I'll totally be there or maybe not - but I'm almost sure..."
"If I can't make it I'll probably call you before just to let you know..."
"Let's meet up again soon - here's my e-mail address..."
And then, when people finally do commit to a time/place/thing/date/dinner etc... there's always that cell phone near by. Always that chance of a better deal/party/partner one ring away. Is it because there are so many choices, so many different flavors that you don't know what you want after a while? Or do you just want it all?!
Being a woman living alone in New York has probably been the biggest challenge I've ever had to endure. And most likely the best education in life I'll ever get. The process of becoming a New Yorker has been a fascinating and puzzling study - and I'm going for my PHD. A lot of things still baffle me. Especially when it comes to the general Manhattanite's perception and acceptance of "the New York way of life"
In Denmark, you are what you do. In New York, you never are what you do. For example, I make a living by waiting tables. That's what pays my rent and pays my bills, but I'm really a screenwriter! As a waiter, I've been experimenting with my answers to a question I get about a hundred times a day. "So what do you really do?" And, funny enough, almost everything is accepted: "I'm a writer." "Oh, how interesting", or "I'm a actor" "uh, would I have seen you in anything?" Or "I'm an artist"."Well, you look like an artist" The only answer that isn't accepted is" I'm a waiter." "Yes, I know that but what do you really do?" "Um, I wait tables!" Silence...slightly uncomfortable "Well, anyway, I'll have...how are your French fries here?"
My other job is a script reader for a high profile producer, which gets me an entirely different response. Here I'm perceived as a young girl with blond hair and a funny accent. Every day there's a flow of people who are very established in the business, coming in and out of the office. It's an exciting atmosphere to be in and it is for me, the inspiration for my creativity because the people who come through are on a level that I aspire to reach. It's a great stepping-stone and a gig that hundreds of just-out-of-an-expensive-collage-wanna- bees would love to have. But I have it, and I didn't even go to collage. And the people outside of our office - the producers, writers, directors that I'm in meetings with and interact with every day, know that. As opposed to my restaurant customers, they don't believe I'm really an artist. They think, "What is she doing here and who did she have to "do" to get this job?!" I can assure you that upon meeting me, nobody thinks: "Oh, she must be here 'cause she's doing a good job, 'cause she's intelligent, well read and good at was she does".
The scary thing about the restaurant business is, that I'm expected to be something more than my job. Yet, in my career-job, for which I was hired based upon my experience, writing skills, ideas and potential, I have yet to be recognized as such, and I am seen as something less than my job...
Let's just face it, we live in a society where Britney's marriage is on the front page of two of New York's biggest newspapers the day after we landed on Mars for the first time in history - and I'm being called shallow 'cause my new years resolution is to lose weight, not to work towards world peace.
Ya gotta love it, New York is a country of functional dysfunction and I'm just damn happy to be one of the misfits that's finally fitting in. If New York were a man I would totally marry him.
|
|
|
Who's Online
We have 2 guests online
|
written by Line on August 14, 2006
I just loved what you wrote about jobs! So funny and so true, maybe I have just heard the "What do you really do?" comment once to many. It’s amazing how it seems like only 5 persons in your “true” line of work, are allowed to know what you do. When everybody else wont believe you do anything else! Thanks, It’s nice not to feel alone!