LIVING THE “LESBO LOCA” ON THE L WORD [by Ralph Nieves-Bryant] One of my favorite guilty pleasures on television is the L Word, the Showtime drama that recently started its third season. The show follows the lives of a gaggle of gay women in Los Angeles: their loves and losses, triumphs and tribulations, discoveries and dildos. As a straight man, I admit that my view of lesbians is somewhat limited to Melissa Etheridge and the “Where the Boys Aren’t” porno movies. However, by watching the L Word, I have learned so much about gay women, that I am practically ready to become one. Here’s what you need to know to become the best pretend lesbian you can be. |
You Can’t Judge A Lesbian by Her Cover
When most people think of lesbians, they think of oddly androgynous women complete with smelly Birkenstocks and way too much armpit hair. The L Word bucks that cliché by being one of the most diverse shows on television, both in terms of race and “look.” For example, three of the L Word stars are of color (Jennifer Beals, Sarah Shahi and Pam Grier) and there are two interracial relationships. The show also features several couples that debunk the traditional “top/bottom” relationship by matching up two women who would be considered “lipstick lesbians.” In addition, some of the stars are hot (e.g., Rachel Shelley, who plays Helena,), some not quite as hot as they used to be (sorry, Ms. Beals, you are no longer “flashdance” material) and some that could kick my ass in a dark alley (e.g., Katherine Moening, who plays the butchy, yet beautiful, Shane). Lesbians Are Nuts
All is not patchouli, jasmine and K.D. Lang on the L Word. There are some full-blown wack jobs on the show. Alice (Leisha Hailey) has a shrine of her ex-girlfriend, Dana (Erin Daniels) that covers an entire wall. She also peeps through the window while Dana has sex with her new girlfriend (who Dana’s also dated early in the second season). However, the Nut Job Crown goes to Jenny (Mia Kirschner), who turned to the lesbian dark side during the show’s first season, leaving her new husband in the process. This placed her into a deep depression, which Jenny made remarkably worse by cutting herself with razors, treating us to scars all over her body. This behavior is probably not good for her burgeoning stripping career, not to mention her sex life. Speaking of sex… Lesbians Are Sluts
One of the cornerstones of the L Word is “The Chart,” an actual “Six Degrees of Sex,” which tracks how these women are “connected” by their sexual rendezvous and the women they enjoy. In fact, each episode begins by showing how two women actually connected for the first time. The most shocking beginning showed two nuns finding the Holy Spirit in between each other’s legs. However, what the chart really demonstrates is that lesbians like to screw…a lot. In fact, the stars of the L Word have hopped in and out of each other’s bed so much, you would think they were men…or at least rabbits. Lesbians Need Couples Therapy
Bette (Ms. Beals) and Tina (Laurel Holloway) are in the middle of a relationship crisis. They are trying to recover from double affairs, a new baby and Bette losing her job. They are also not having sex, leading Tina to explore Internet chat rooms. There is only one problem with this story – as an old married guy, I watch TV to escape from my problems, not see them brought to life on my fantastic 13-inch black and white boob tube. Nevertheless, the fact that these women are dealing with real problems makes this one of the most authentic relationships on television. Lesbians Have Pet Names for Their Privates
In one of the more humorous episodes this season, the girls sat around The Planet, their favorite coffee shop/bar/pickup spot/swap meet, and shared their favorite nicknames for their private parts. The nicknames were far more interesting than the crappy ones men come up with for their Johnsons (mine is “Charles Barkley” – he may be short, but he’s wide as a mofo. And he rebounds quickly!) My favorite cunny code word was the “Bald Man in a Boat” (not that I know what that means). Lesbians Can F%#k
I figured a typical lesbian love fest would involve scented candles, Norah Jones CDs on shuffle and an overabundance of cuddling. However, according to the L Word, that could be further from the truth. They go at it anytime, anywhere and with the passion of wilder beasts. There was one particular scene last season where Helena and Tina had sex in a outdoor hotel pool, practically creating a tidal wave while going at it like sex was a spectator sport! Oh, did I mention that Tina was six months pregnant – in real life! – during this pool rendezvous. I don’t know if these women use strap-ons or rub-ons, but watching the stars of the L Word go at it sure gets me turned on. It also showed me that sex between two women could be just as intense as straight sex.
So what does all this mean? It means that given the current social and political climate, with fights over gay marriage, gay parenting and equal rights, it is easy to forget that gay men and women are human beings just like us straight folks. There have been few shows to deal with gay characters in a serious manner. It appears to be easier for people to tolerate gays when they are over the top (Jack from Will and Grace, the Queer Eye guys), funny (Ellen DeGeneres) or closeted (see every game show - Paul Lynde, Charles Nelson Reilly, et al). The L Word and its now-cancelled “brother” show, Queer as Folk, demonstrates that gay men and women want the same things straight people do – to love and be loved, to find shelter and security and to give and receive mind-numbing orgasms. Admittedly, I do not know what it is like to be gay. As a black man, I have my own problems simply making it through the frozen food aisle without being strip-searched. This is why I am convinced that being gay is not a lifestyle choice, but something determined in the womb. With all the intolerance in the world, no one would consciously choose to wear a sign that reads, “Hey, I’m a lesbian. Please discriminate against me.”
Let’s hope that shows like the L Word will help more gay people find comfort in their own skin and help the rest of us better swallow that huge rainbow pill that reads, “They’re here. They’re queer. Get used to it!” About the author:
Ralph Nieves-Bryant has been an actor, stand-up comic, talk show host, all-around ghetto raconteur and has recently returned to his first love, the written word. You can check out some of his other ramblings in the online magazines BlackMedina.com, TruthTellingForum.com, Identity Theory and Humdinger. He lives in Harlem, USA with his wife/head cheerleader, Anna, and his harshest critic, Samantha, the Cat. He can be reached at
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